Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
