i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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