I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
