The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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