I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
