You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
