i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Found your dick twin last night
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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