I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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