Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
