my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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