Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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