Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
