WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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