then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
