I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
