i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
