Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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