I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize