i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
