Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
