3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
