you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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