I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
