Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
