Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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