So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
