I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
