I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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