is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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