Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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