i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize