fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
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