Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
