1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
