Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I met the friendliest cop last night
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
