is your mom at the bar?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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