is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
