If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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