My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize