Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
