i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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