I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
