I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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