Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You need Xanax blowdarts
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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