I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just high enough for therapy.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
