when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
