I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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