I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
