i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
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