u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
