I wish I could punch you in the face.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
