woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
