I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
