I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
