i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
