My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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