idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
