I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
