I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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