i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVEâ€
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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