Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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