You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
