he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
