My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
