You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
