if only i could text you this smell
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
