I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
