she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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