meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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